Today is a Tuesday but man, it really feels like the ultimate Monday right about now.
After an awesome weekend of great runs, a themed party, a birthday party, binge watching Pretty Little Liars, successfully abstaining from desserts ; I was feeling pretty good about things. So good, that I decided to step on the scale and see how much I weighed. Now I knew I had gained weight. It was obvious my muffin top and strangers asking me when the baby is due…
I stepped on the scale expecting it to say I weigh 152 or something like that. I stepped on the scale and it said 162.5lbs. WTF? I have never seen that number. That would legit mean I gained 30 lbs since I met KC just over a year ago. How is that even possible?
After a quick shower cry and changing my outfit a good half a dozen times I headed to work with my gym bag in hand; knowing that sulking would not help anything. My morning was filled with angry emails and demands that I could just not keep up with. I was so excited to burn off my stress with a nice 3 mile run and my updated playlist.
I suited up in shorts (it is 50 degrees and sunny out!) to set out when I realized I forgot my sneakers!! I brought 3 different options for bottoms (shorts, capris and spandex! New England weather is such a fragile beast!) to wear and forgot my freakin sneakers… Who does that?
I was kind of irrationally mad at myself for this. I could not let it go. I vented to 3 co workers, my BF and my mom… my mom who told me not to worry because “You didn’t look particularly heavy on Sunday” (WTF does particularly mean? I look obese but not morbidly obese?)
I could not get over the fact that I was sooo forgetful. Everyone advised I should get an extra pair of running sneakers. (Thanks, guys, that totally helps me right now.) I even debated borrowing a coworker’s pair that was 2.5 sizes too large.
I came to terms with the fact that I would not be running today since I would be leaving work when it was too dark to run. I decided to take a nice walk down to the coffee shop and picked up a small iced coffee. I ran into a board member at this time and was happy to be dressed in my work attire vs. my running garb. Maybe everything does happen for a reason?
I went home stretched a bunch and ate a burger (KC cooked!) for dinner. I also made KC get on the scale. He also was outraged by the number and agreed that the scale was water damaged which was very affirming to me.
Despite the fact that my day started with me crying in the shower, terrible work issues, analyzing my mom’s choice of adverbs and forgetting my sneakers; I really did try to make the best of it. I could have not gone for a walk on my lunch break because let’s face it walking just is not the same release as running. I could have not stretched when I got home, but I did and I threw in some planks even! I could have finished the better half of a bottle of red wine, but I chose to sip on seltzer water instead.
I have always been kind of a black and white person. When I am on a diet, I AM ON A DIET. That is what I do. I do not cheat, I drink crazy amounts of water, I measure my food, I track it and it is pretty much all I talk about. Same goes for exercising. I can’t miss a day, I must follow a schedule, I must brag about it on Facebook for it to be true, I must read articles about other people exercising…
Unfortunately for me, the opposite is true too. When I am not “on a diet” I am eating like 15 year old morbidly obese boy who is trying to bulk up for gastric bypass surgery. I just go for it. When I am not exercising I am laying on the couch binge watching terrible shows (ok I manage to do that when I am exercising too) and will not stretch or do other things that are good for my body like take my make up off before bed…
I am trying to find the gray area, that middle ground. I don’t want to be on a diet. Frankly, life is just too short to not have carbs in it. I do not want to bore people with bragging about only eating 2 grams of carbs for the day while drooling over the tortilla that is wrapped around their taco… I want to be able to take a day off from exercising and still stretch and put night cream on before going to bed.
Today, I feel like I made a really small step in this direction, the direction of finding gray. A few months ago an off day like this would have been the beginning of a binge for me. I would have been stopping at McD’s on the way home for a shake and Mc-double and making a plate of chilli cheese nachos to go with it; because fuck it the day is already ruined since I did not get to go for a run.
Hopefully, I will continue to strive in this direction. Hopefully, I can learn to deal with unexpected issues that are just bound to pop up and not let it ruin the progress I have made. Because, truly it really is about progress and not perfection.