Muscle weighs more than fat? Yeah, no shit. Thanks. I think if one more person tells me that I may set their car on fire.
I have always been obsessive about my weight. I can recall weighing myself dozens of times a day in middle school and in high school. Seeing 121 and crying and seeing 117 and feeling relieved. As long as it was under 120 I was happy. If I could get it to 115 I was ecstatic. To maintain this I followed Weight Watchers and would eat 18 points/ day. Even if I worked out, which I typically did, I would never eat more than 18 points. There was one summer where I lived off low fat blueberry muffins (5 points) and Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches (3 points).
When I got sick of WW, and most likely developed scurvy and a protein deficiency, I moved to South Beach diet. I would eat cold cuts (which I HATE) and cheese for lunches. The kids at the camp where I worked, would ask me where my bread was. I would say I didn’t like bread, which is a huge-ass lie. But, it didn’t seem ethical spreading my fear of carbs to 6-year-olds.
I can remember seeing the number on the scale get higher and higher in college. I’d go back to WW or South Beach or a combo of the two. I can remember eating taco salads with ground turkey for breakfast, lunch and dinner for weeks leading up to graduation so that I could fit into a dress I had worn at my high school graduation. My roomies and I did a biggest loser competition so we could all drop some lbs before getting our pictures taken. Thanks to my years of dieting experience, my love of running and need to win, I won this competition. I promptly celebrated the last weigh in by drinking my weight in beer and eating fried pickles and a delightful burger with fries.
The summer prior to grad school, I kept up with WW. Lost even more weight and went to grad school weighing under 130lbs. Two years of intensive classes, internships and working part-time as a server at Friendly’s, I really packed on the lbs. Graduating grad school, I was at my heaviest, somewhere in the mid 150’s I’d say.
I was out of shape. My blood pressure was high. My eczema was terrible. I had to do something. So, I focused on running, because that’s what I loved to do and knew how to do. I completed my first half marathon that fall in Salem, MA with two of my best friends. It was a struggle. It was a terrible time, I think it took me over two and half hours, but I honestly do not remember. I walked a lot. I almost called my dad to pick me up at mile 9. But I finished it. And, I was so proud of myself for finishing. I loved that feeling. Because I finished, I knew I could lose the weight I had packed on in grad school, and I vowed to keep it off.
Running became an obsession. I would carry running clothes with me everywhere. Whether it was work, a festival, a weekend with the fam, a weekend with the girls- I would run. Slowly, I incorporated healthier eating in. Then I went through a difficult break-up and the weight really came off and I was back to the mid 130’s, never less than 133 never more than 137. This seems to be a healthy and sustainable weight for me.
As you can tell from the lengthy paragraphs above; I am a pro at losing weight. I have been doing it for a decade and half. I have NEVER struggled to lose weight. I may complain about it. I may not like dieting, but I have never had trouble getting results. Maintaining results, however, has been a struggle.
If you recall, I started this new weight loss journey back in February. My consistency with said routine did not really kick in until March. My starting weight in February was 152. A high number for me, considering I was weighing somewhere around 137 when I met KC back in December of 2012. That’s a 15 lb weight gain in a little over a year for those of you who are more math challenged than me.
I weighed myself today (as I do every Wednesday) and I weigh exactly the same, 152… I know this should not bother me. The logical part of me (which has been buried by some weird girl anxieties for the last few weeks) knows that I have lost inches. I am fitting into things better. I no longer have quad boob in the majority of my bras. I can zip up my skirt without laying on the bed. I can sit in
almost all of my jeans without losing my breath.
My poor boyfriend and my good friends are telling me I look more toned. Some days I see it, other day are challenging- especially days where I weigh myself. I have thoughts of restricting so I can lose weight. But, I know that those weight loss results are not sustainable for me. I am never going to be a completely clean eater. That is not me. I love processed food. I love red wine. I love cheese. I need a life of balance where I have these things in moderation rather than a life of never eating them and going on some crazy binge.
I am determined not to let history repeat itself, stop this pattern of restricting and binging. Losing weight is like a marathon, not like a 5k. I need to keep it steady and on the level, keep plugging away or I wont finish. Just like I did not give up during my first half marathon, I am not giving up now. I have come too far to fall victim to the scale.
Do you weigh yourself? Does it motivate or discourage you?