Muscle weighs more than fat

I shall rise from the ashes like phoenix!
I shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix!

Muscle weighs more than fat? Yeah, no shit. Thanks. I think if one more person tells me that I may set their car on fire.

I have always been obsessive about my weight. I can recall weighing myself dozens of times a day in middle school and in high school. Seeing 121 and crying and seeing 117 and feeling relieved. As long as it was under 120 I was happy. If I could get it to 115 I was ecstatic. To maintain this I followed Weight Watchers and would eat 18 points/ day. Even if I worked out, which I typically did, I would never eat more than 18 points. There was one summer where I lived off low fat blueberry muffins (5 points) and Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches (3 points).

When I got sick of WW, and most likely developed scurvy and a protein deficiency, I moved to South Beach diet. I would eat cold cuts (which I HATE) and cheese for lunches. The kids at the camp where I worked, would ask me where my bread was. I would say I didn’t like bread, which is a huge-ass lie. But, it didn’t seem ethical spreading my fear of carbs to 6-year-olds.low carb meme

I can remember seeing the number on the scale get higher and higher in college. I’d go back to WW or South Beach or a combo of the two. I can remember eating taco salads with ground turkey for breakfast, lunch and dinner for weeks leading up to graduation so that I could fit into a dress I had worn at my high school graduation. My roomies and I did a biggest loser competition so we could all drop some lbs before getting our pictures taken.  Thanks to my years of dieting experience, my  love of running and need to win, I won this competition. I promptly celebrated the last weigh in by drinking my weight in beer and eating fried pickles and a delightful burger with fries.

This is post burger and fried pickles, notice how happy I look with food in my belly.
This is post burger and fried pickles, notice how happy I look with food in my belly.

 

Graduation day, all swollen from drinking all night and eating SO much sodium.  The crying didn't help either...
Graduation day, all swollen from drinking all night and eating SO much sodium. The crying didn’t help either…

 

The summer prior to grad school, I kept up with WW. Lost even more weight and went to grad school weighing under 130lbs. Two years of intensive classes, internships and working part-time as a server at Friendly’s, I really packed on the lbs. Graduating grad school, I was at my heaviest, somewhere in the mid 150’s I’d say.

Grad school hooding ceremony. Little tubby...
Grad school hooding ceremony. Little tubby…

I was out of shape. My blood pressure was high. My eczema was terrible. I had to do something. So, I focused on running, because that’s what I loved to do and knew how to do. I completed my first half marathon that fall in Salem, MA with two of my best friends. It was a struggle. It was a terrible time, I think it took me over two and half hours, but I honestly do not remember. I walked a lot. I almost called my dad to pick me up at mile 9. But I finished it. And, I was so proud of myself for finishing. I loved that feeling. Because I finished, I knew I could lose the weight I had packed on in grad school, and I vowed to keep it off.

I still have this running shirt and it may be looser...
I still have this running shirt and it may be looser…

Running became an obsession. I would carry running clothes with me everywhere. Whether it was work, a festival, a weekend with the fam, a weekend with the girls- I would run. Slowly, I incorporated healthier eating in. Then I went through a difficult break-up and the weight really came off and I was back to the mid 130’s, never less than 133 never more than 137. This seems to be a healthy and sustainable weight for me.

Me post 5k at a Phish festival, because that's how I roll.
Me post 5k at a Phish festival, because that’s how I roll.

As you can tell from the lengthy paragraphs above; I am a pro at losing weight. I have been doing it for a decade and half. I have NEVER struggled to lose weight. I may complain about it. I may not like dieting, but I have never had trouble getting results. Maintaining results, however, has been a struggle.

If you recall, I started this new weight loss journey back in February. My consistency with said routine did not really kick in until March.  My starting weight in February was 152. A high number for me, considering I was weighing somewhere around 137 when I met KC back in December of 2012. That’s a 15 lb weight gain in a little over a year for those of you who are more math challenged than me.

food-talkI weighed myself today (as I do every Wednesday) and I weigh exactly the same, 152… I know this should not bother me. The logical part of me (which has been buried by some weird girl anxieties for the last few weeks) knows that I have lost inches. I am fitting into things better. I no longer have quad boob in the majority of my bras. I can zip up my skirt without laying on the bed. I can sit in almost all of my jeans without losing my breath.

My poor boyfriend and my good friends are telling me I look more toned. Some days I see it, other day are challenging- especially days where I weigh myself. I have thoughts of restricting so I can lose weight. But, I know that those weight loss results are not sustainable for me. I am never going to be a completely clean eater. That is not me. I love processed food. I love red wine. I love cheese. I need a life of balance where I have these things in moderation rather than a life of never eating them and going on some crazy binge.  cat on scale

I am determined not to let history repeat itself, stop this pattern of restricting and binging.  Losing weight is like a marathon, not like a 5k. I need to keep it steady and on the level, keep plugging away or I wont finish. Just like I did not give up during my first half marathon, I am not giving up now. I have come too far to fall victim to the scale.

Do you weigh yourself? Does it motivate or discourage you?

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